him.

There is a reason that acting and writing go hand in hand for me. Being an actress, you can be anyone you want to be whether was it Cleopatra or Princess Diana. Being an actress you’re able to be someone else and can suddenly put yourself in your shoes and feel what they feel. Most of the time when I write, I write in the point of view of someone else (or else how can I possibly write about love? I’ve never been in a relationship to begin with!). In this glorious world where Hollywood movies and popular TV shows are in abundance and at our Netflix’s disposal, I could imagine myself as someone else and write all about it, giving me an endless amount of content.

Recently I’ve been hooked to Gossip Girl. I watched Season 1’s first episode three thousand years ago and couldn’t understand any of it since I wasn’t into TV shows at all, but now I get the gist of TV show obsession (ask me where the days after I left my job went and I’ll tell you something along the lines of vampires (The Originals), someone who’s out to kill four girls and threatening them with their secrets (Pretty Little Liars, I stopped at S3E5 because Gossip Girl came to Netflix and GG is better, it just draws me to it) and babies (Jane The Virgin)).

I dreamt that I was Jenny in the relationship between her and Nate. I apologise for that spoiler if you haven’t gone beyond mid-season two.

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In GG, Nate writes a letter to Jenny saying he has feelings for her but she never gets it since Vanessa seizes it and Jenny only knows of the existence of this letter when Nate realises he doesn’t like Jenny at all. So don’t be surprised what I wrote feels so real, because that dream felt like reality and I often convey feelings better through words.

This letter isn’t the ones I write to months, I’m writing to someone this time and that’s even more personal, this is undeniably one of the rawest and most honest things I have ever written. I wrote this whilst on a train journey and I nearly cried, that just goes to show how much of a hyperreality that dream was. This letter is called “him.” because it was apparently Nate’s contact name in my dream. If I ever have a boyfriend, that’d be his contact name too.

While you read, here’s a little playlist of songs to listen to that relate to this letter.

  1.  “You” by The Pretty Reckless.
  2. “Align” by Nina Nesbitt.
  3. “Even If” by Ella Eyre. (This song kept playing in my head these past few days, no wonder I dreamt of something like this)
  4. “Manhattan” by Sara Bareilles. (GG is about the Manhattanite lifestyle and there is no better tear inducing song than this)

 

HIM.

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Dear you,

You gave me your brutal honesty but I didn’t give you mine. So if you ever read this letter, I’m sorry and this is every piece of my brutal honesty.

You always felt like it was just you making the relationship work and that you were just a tool to my short lived success. Maybe in a way, it’s true. But I’m writing this letter, with tears rolling down my cheeks, telling you that you’re the person I lost and wished I learn to appreciate you more than I did. I never saw the letter you wrote me but you told me what meant the most in it — that you feel something for me and wished you knew how to do something about it. I wished that I wasn’t absorbed in my journey to success so I could force myself to take time out to help you figure that out, because maybe just maybe we could’ve had everything together. But you’re not cracking because of this breakup because you knew you knew me too well to know that I wouldn’t crack since I didn’t feel what you felt for me, for you.

But can you explain why do I still remember the way your blue eyes twinkle in the darkness? Maybe it was because my eyes were darting everywhere in the moment and being afraid of the darkness but shit, your blue eyes housed every piece of solace that I needed. Why are you so unforgettable, could it be because I knew you for too long, all too well? See I was never scared of losing you, because I knew you’d always be there. But maybe that’s where I went wrong, you needed me to fear losing you, so that you’d know I feel the same way you do towards me. The feeling of knowing you’ll always be there probably blinded me into thinking I had everything right where I wanted, but I only had everything because of you and I didn’t see that. You fought for me to defend my dreams that were worlds away from yours, you saved me in all the times I didn’t see danger, but I was never one for “thank you”s. Maybe that’s where I was incredibly selfish, I neglected you, pushed you to the side — even though you lived your life under the spotlight which now focused on me, but I still could made you think I appreciated you. You never even knew if that was a good thing or bad thing for me to have. 

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But I really want to know, how can I still remember the way you smile against my lips when we kissed? How can I still remember how you’d lift me up from the ground just a bit to meet your lips because you’re six foot? How can I still remember the way you catch me when I leap into your arms to kiss you in that moment of happiness? Because I knew you were the only person I wanted to celebrate that moment with, that was probably the only moment I appreciated you and I’m sorry for that being the only time. Maybe that’s where you thought I took you for granted, where you started accumulating your doubts. But I’m the one who dreams of you at night because you gave me everything and you were once everything my world revolved around, because you gave me the world.

You were the one leaving a light on for me to come home to. You were the one who always sensed when something was wrong. You were the one who fell asleep on the couch waiting for me to come home during the wee hours. You were the one who wiped away my tears when I came home failure after failure. You were everything.

But everyone knows the person you are, the you that hid itself in the closet when you were with me, when you were loving me. You’re probably in bed with someone else, touching someone else’s skin, kissing someone else’s luscious lips with your hands tangled in someone else’s silky soft hair. You’re probably wrapping your strong arms around someone else and giving them the solace your arms once gave me when I ran away from home.

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And I’m still here, counting all my wrongs from rights, my regrets from do-rights. You were in every category possible and I wished I gave you more than I did. I know you’ll feel content knowing I’ve learnt my lesson and I’d never do it again. Because that’s you, the person I once had — always wanting me to bounce back from my setbacks, learn from my mistakes and not let them define me because you believed I was strong even when I broke into shards made of nothingness.

But I’m not saying I miss you. I’m just giving you the apology you deserve and the words you wished you heard earlier. But maybe somewhere in you, you’ll find it in yourself to accept this apology and maybe we could start over, as friends. Because I’d hurt you and take you for granted if we were more. I’d rather you do all that to me now.

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Love Best Wishes,

me.


This letter isn’t just Jenny’s reply to Nate, I soon realised it is for those who took their loved ones for granted when they chased the superficial things: materialism, success and money. Sometimes when we’re so caught up chasing success and all our (some of our out-of-reach) dreams, we forget what matters most: the people who matter most. Sometimes we forget what got us so far: love. We don’t chase love because it’s delivered to us. Love is free and it often isn’t something we work for. We earn it. But sometimes we have the mindset that love is an entitlement, it isn’t. Love is a privilege that comes free and lets you feel one of the greatest feelings to ever exist.

I don’t need a degree in Psychology or mind reading to tell me there is at least one person in your life right now who is receiving a lack of your love. Show them your love before they choose to get up and leave especially if they mean a lot to you. The best people in life are free so don’t let them go.

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With Love.

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